Choosing to Chill

I was recently asked, “what do you do in the evenings?” The questions was asked out of a concern that this individual was missing out on some sort of 20-something filled fun, but it did make me ponder my evening itinerary. What DO I do in the evenings?

Here is what I concluded…

I do less.

There was a time when I filled my life with anything and everything I could. I was a hobby connoisseur and a multi-job master. I would volunteer for this and offer to do that. I would make dates with friends and I would attend events.

I got tired… so very, very tired. But I didn’t want to give anything up. I was *it’s hard to admit this even now* afraid! I thought I would feel guilty for not being busy all the time (and I was right, but we aren’t to that part of the blog yet so hold your horses!). Then I got married and realized that my priorities had to change. I couldn’t keep doing everything I was doing if I wanted our marriage to work. So I started cutting things out of my life. Bit by bit and piece by piece, I started dissecting my life.

I put myself on a pretty restricted extracurricular diet. 

Now, when I leave work, I go home and do the normal things in life (cook dinner, clean up the kitchen afterward, pick up the house, clean the bathroom, pay bills, etc) and then I sit. I (sometimes quite literally) have to force myself to sit down and chill. I spend time reading a book or enjoying a crossword or Angry Birds. Yes, I’m still involved with things and I still meet up with friends and I still have hobbies, but I am actively choosing to chill (sounds like a contradiction, I know)… and I’m starting to understand what peace is.

You see, I feel like all my life I have been fighting for peace and confused why I don’t have it. But now, now I feel as though peace is finding me. It’s as if the key to it is simply stopping. This, as basic as it sounds, is something new to me. What gets in the way of this new found feeling is guilt. Guilt about now doing what I should be doing. Guilt about sitting and not doing. Guilt about what someone might think of me if they knew I was sitting and relaxing and not doing. Complete, annoying, peace-killing, soul-tormeting guilt. So now, I guess, it’s time to take on the next challenge in my quest for peace prowess; battle the guilty green monster.

How do I defeat the beast? Not sure yet, but when I figure it out, I’ll let you know. Until then, I will continue to wage war on that which cannot defeat me, but can harm me over time… guilt, and I will fight it with the only weapon I have… peace.

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