The Great Samoa Battle

A girls got needs, alright. Sometimes those needs don’t come at convenient times either. When cute little girls in little green outfits aren’t outside Sears at Glenbrook Square selling little boxes of goodness for $3.50 a pop and I get a hankering for a Samoa… someone could get hurt, I’m telling you!
Desperation hit a few weeks ago. My taste buds were crying out for those little circular cookies of coconuty-caramely delight and there wasn’t Girl Scout in sight! I was desperate! So, like anyone in modern America, I got online and wove my way through the gloriousness that is Pintrest and found it. Right there in cyberspace was the answer to all of life’s questions: A recipe for Samoa Cookies!
What follows is an epic tale of good vs. evil, of woman vs. kitchen, of stickiness vs. clean surfaces…
The battle began slowly. It was more of a skirmish really. I mean, the cookie dough wasn’t a challenge, but it did make my kitchen a bit messy. 
1 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups all purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
up to 2 tablespoons milk
This was nothing me and my cute pink Kitchen Aide couldn’t handle. Together we mastered the dough and prepared it to a perfect consistency. And it was all downhill from there…
It was at this point that the skirmish became a battle. 
This is what the directions said: Roll the dough out in 2 or 3 batches (between pieces of wax (or parchment) paper to about 1/4-inch thickness (or a little thinner) using a 1 1/2-inch cookie cutter to make rounds. Place on a parchment lined (or on silicone mat) baking sheet and make a hole in the center. I used the small end of a large round piping tip. Nicole comments that you can use a knife, or the end of a wide straw, to cut a smaller center hole. Repeat until the dough is used up (it’s okay to re-roll, this dough is shortbread-like and very forgiving.)
Sounded simple enough, but it was pure torture in execution! I dug through my container of 50 cookie cutters for all occasions and selected the cutter that cut the circle of dough and the cutout in the center all at the same time. I figured this would make things speed along nicely. LIES! This dough is pliable alright, but that also means that no matter how much flour you put on the cookie cutter, there is not possible way to make a clean cut with the cutter! The dough will find some way to cling to the round cutter as if its life depended on it! After attempting to cut out seven different cookies this way, I gave up and decided that even though Samoa’s have a hole in the center, knock-off Samoas don’t have to. It’s not in the rule book!
Baking these little gems is also a trick because though it’s a forgiving dough, it’s a fickle b*t*h. Leave them in for 5 seconds too long and you have a crispy little chip of a cookie. Completely worthless and something that even caramel and coconut goodness can’t make better. Trust me, I tried!
After the cookies were baked (and believe me when I say this process cut the 3 1/2 to 4 dozen cookies this receipt was supposed to yield to 2 dozen thanks to the kamikaze cookies that decided to be primadonas and get all pissy when i left them in the oven 5 seconds too long) it was time to take on a new task. The recipe said to let the cookies cool so I did (with much pleasure) while I took on … da da da! … roasting coconut! This was simple and painless and I have nothing too comical to say about it.
And this is where the battle took a turn and became a fight to the death! This is that part in the tale that gamers would refer to as The Boss Fight of this kitchen horde mode. Let’s put it this way: we are at Wave 48. I won’t go so far as to say Wave 50, because I’m sure cooking eel while standing on your head under water is more challenging.
The recipe said to melt caramel (simple enough) then add the coconut (again simple) and then “Using the spatula or a small offset spatula, spread topping on cooled cookies, using about 2-3 teaspoons per cookie.” Okay, so you know how Samoas look all nice and pretty with their perfect coconut/caramel topping and chocolate stripes? Yeah, machines do that. There is not way a mere mortal with a spatula can make a sticky concoction of caramel and coconut lay nicely atop of shortbread cookie (even one WITHOUT a hole in the middle)! It would take a cyborg with 4 arms and a lightsaber (yes, something akin to General Grievous) to make this process possible for even part of a human!
When all was said and done, I had caramel-coconut goo all over my hands and forearms and the cookies looked like globs of prickly caramel sitting askew on shortbread discs! And when it came to adding the chocolate stripes, I simple gave up. I decided that if the Samaos were going to look like a 5-year-old made them, so be it.

Samao Cookies FTW

Thank you to for the recipe! I may have complained the ENTIRE time I was making them, but they tasted dangerously close to the real thing. Oh, for all of you that may actually take on the challenge that this recipe offers, wait a day before eating them. Not only does this separate you from your problems (you will understand when you try it!), they also taste better. This is not an eat-it-while-it’s-still-warm-from-the-oven kind of cookie.
The End.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Marisa Martin says:

    I have never actualy read a blog before today and now I can say I’ve read a bunch. I really enjoyed this so I ventured into all of your other posts as well. 🙂 My favorite, Haunted House. I have been inside that place once but never got to explore it(I was there strictly for Simply Divine Cupcakery’s photoshoot). I would love to have a tour after reading your story!! Haha 🙂

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 2 months ago
  2. * Sis says:

    Your kitchen escapades make me smile. Love you, sis!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 2 months ago
  3. * Brenda Fager says:

    I, too, have come back to the world of the blog:) I’ve been too long gone from it. This one was a doosey and so worth the read! Absolutely going to try these when I get home!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 2 months ago

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: