Holy S**T… Literally!

Birds. Birds. Birds. Where do I begin when I discuss my love/hate relationship with these winged creatures?

I could start with my loathing for the idea of a bird feeder or a birdhouse. Or, I could delve into how I envy their freedom and ability to fly. Or, I could discuss their bathroom issues. Yes, I think I’ll start there…

Exhibit A

Please note Exhibit A. Notice that large white glob in the middle of the photo? Yeah, you know what that is… bird poo! I’m all for bird relieving themselves (a constipated bird sounds very negative to me and PETA might get pissed), but do they have to choose the roof of my car as a landing zone!? Pick one of the thousands of patches of grass surrounding my car! Pick one of the piles of mulch that are less than five feet away from my car! Pick the blacktop that my car sits on! Pick ANYTHING but my car!

I don’t go piss in your nest, don’t poop on my car!

But don’t think this bird rant is over, oh no, we are just getting started…

Birds (or aves in the Latin) are beautiful winged animals. Wikipedia tells me that there are over 10,000 different species, making them the most speciose class of tetrapod vertebrates. That’s pretty cool, but not that point.

People sometimes misunderstand my “bird rant” for a hatred of birds when that simply isn’t the case, quite the contrary actually, I love them! They are graceful and lovely to look at and they can travel anywhere they wish. They symbolize freedom and peace… I mean, how can you not be jealous!

What I don’t like is 1.) the disruption of the migratory patterns of birds and 2.) the extreme prejudice against “ugly” birds.

All you mean people out there that pick and choose which birds get to nest in your bird houses or eat from your bird feeders, keep reading! … you know who you are… yeah, YOU!

The vast majority of birds (heck, let’s be specific and focus on our country alone) in North America migrate. This is how the good Lord above in all his infinite wisdom created them to be. [See Exhibit B and image me as Yosemite Sam as you read this next sentence] So why do we screw with their migratory patterns be putting up cozy little bird houses and bird feeders so that they stick around in the winter!?!?!?!

Exhibit B

And then there are those people that get their panties all in a twist when “ugly” birds (like cow birds or ravens) munch on the BIRD food in the feeders or build nests in the BIRDhouses… what gives!? You want BIRDS around and you want them to have a home and you feed them, and then you are picky about what kind of birds eat that food that you leave out in “the wild” (aka, your yard) for them?! They are birds! How are they supposed know whether or not you want them to eat the SEED that you put on the ground or in a feeder!? That’s right, it’s SEED. Just SEED. Why does it matter what kind of critter eats it? To me that just seems petty on the part of you bird-feeding people…

Poor birds… first you mess up their migration because they think you want them to stick around and eat what you leave out for them and live in the houses you provide, then they get shooed away and shot at when they do what they thought you wanted them to do! No wonder they crap on cars! They are mad at humans! We confuse their little birdbrains!

Think! Think, you crazy humans, what mixed signals you are sending to birdkind! Do they really deserve to be so confused? I think not!

But fear not, I have a solution! Actually, I have TWO solutions!


2.) Be an equal opportunity bird feeder.

Those are your options. Now you decide.

*Lynette exits soapbox, stage right*

Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * :) says:

    for a second i really thought that you were going to mention me crapping myself at harry potter. just sayin. you know who this is.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago

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