I am young

i live in two works. in one world (alpha), i’m young. in the other (beta), i’m old.

In my alpha world, i’m a energetic 24-year-old with a new husband and a new-ish job. i’m a volunteer for my church’s youth group. i’m an aspiring writer. i’m a average ultimate frisbee player. i love sitting in the sun and reading a good book. i play in the rain. i’m a bargain shopper and an avid coffee drinker. i drive an old Honda Accord that is dented and rusting, but has a great stereo. i’m a career neophyte. i’m a dreamer. i’m sensitive and a hard-ass at the same time. i have opinions. i’m still learning. i listen to music at work. i don’t understanding how things work. volunteering isn’t as high on my to-do list as other things. i prefer texting to phone calls. i love photography. i’m motivated to do more, to be more, to live more.

in my beta world, i have no such luxuries. there is little-to-no room for error. my colleagues (all from seven to 40 years my senior) seem to forget that i’m young. my mistakes are published. my errors are seemingly monumental. asking questions doesn’t help. i’m blamed when other forget what they said or told me. responsibility is my middle name. i have some (restricted) creative freedom. i bypassed many intro career steps. i never had to deal with a mediocre job. i feel like a fish out of water. and there is another level to my beta world… the life i’m supposed to appear to live. what i mean by that is this: someone in my career shouldn’t drive a beat up Honda or dress in sale clothing. regardless of the truth in this statement, this is how i am made to feel. someone in my position shouldn’t live where i do or pack their lunch for work. someone in my position should do ABC not XYZ (yet i happen to love XYZ).

how do i reconcile my two worlds? others my age have entry-level career jobs and are working their way up the ladder. not me. i’m already up the ladder in Fort Wayne. don’t misunderstand, i’m honored and humbled by the position i was entrusted with so young! it’s been a challenge and i love (most of) it! i’m part of what i always thought i wanted to be a part of! but there is that part of me that is hurt by that lack of consideration by those around me (remember that sensitive part…). i have a thick skin and can take a lot, but when i’m lectured for things that i didn’t know i didn’t know, how is that my crime?  

when i’m a seasoned career woman, i won’t forget this stage of my life. i will remember that at one time i was young and no one recognized that fact because i was a young woman stuck in a veteran position – a position typically earned, not granted (again, not complaining at all! just expressing in a blog that which i can’t speak of in by beta world). i will recognize the truth of the youth around me. 

i should also probably point out that i don’t want special treatment. i don’t want to be coddled and excused for my errors. see the fine line i walk!? i don’t want my wrongs to be excused by the “oh she’s young” line, i just want to be able to learn without my learning being mocked! i don’t want my time to be bogarted because it can be. 

my alpha and beta worlds may never mesh. but i wish they could. i wish i didn’t feel so torn by the life i want to and actually do live and the life i’m supposed to live. 

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  1. * Brenda Fager says:

    Hey Baby!
    You know, it’s not necessarily a bad thing that you wear sale clothing:) Lots of wealthy, executive types wear sale clothing because it makes good business sense. I had a Speech student one year who did her persuasive speech on only wearing clothes that came from resale shops – and she always looked great!
    I love you!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 9 months ago

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